


In the Shadow of Your Heart

by skarlatha



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Loki Feels, M/M, Pre-Avengers Movie, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-24
Updated: 2012-10-24
Packaged: 2017-11-16 23:40:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/545089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skarlatha/pseuds/skarlatha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki waits for the portal to Midgard to open and thinks about what has led him to this point.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Shadow of Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Minor spoilers for the movie "Thor," but if you've seen "The Avengers" then it's probably nothing you don't know already.

We always knew, didn’t we? I did, at least. I knew enough for both of us even if I didn’t know for certain, and even if I didn’t know _why_. I could feel it, the difference in our blood. It was more than just a physical difference: you, with your sunlight hair and broad chest and the devastating smile that’s a weapon in itself, standing next to me: smaller, darker, weaker in every way. Less than you. Everyone thought so; it was obvious. And I was always treated so. Thor, but less. The only one who ever treated me like your equal was you. And I loved you for it.  
  
I must have known. I wouldn’t have wanted the things I wanted if I hadn’t felt on some level that we were matching fragments of our own cosmic whole. If I hadn’t looked at you and felt a rush of something more than just brotherly attachment.  
  
I don’t know what it was that I felt for you. It was more than brothers, more than infatuation, more than desire. Sometimes I was certain that it was more than even love, more than anything that had ever been felt anywhere in the Nine Realms. We fit into each other, into the spaces between our heads and our hearts, a place where logic couldn’t touch us and emotions couldn’t comprehend us. When you were away from me, I felt cold. Lost. Deeply, desperately alone.  
  
Did you feel it, too? When I was away? Did you find yourself clutching for shadows of me, unconciously turning your head to look where I should have been standing? Or have I always been a parasite, reaching blindly for a host that rejoiced in its freedom from me?  
  
Did you mourn me?  
  
I mourned you. Even though I knew you lived, even though I knew you were safe in Asgard, under the gaze of the father that always loved you most. You had finally become what I always wished for you. A king, worthy of the throne, benevolent and good. That was when I started hating you. Because _she_ made you become the man you were meant to be. All those years of me standing quietly beside you, loving you, supporting you, pushing you towards greatness, and none of it had mattered until you met _her_.  
  
I could have lived under your rule. I could have knelt before you and pledged you my loyalty. It would have been bearable for me to be Thor-but-less. But the thought of being less-than-Jane was far too much to bear. She is mortal; she is weak. She would never be the consort you deserve. And I hated her for that, but even more, I hated you for letting her convince you otherwise.  
  
She will learn her place. Every Midgardian will learn what it is like to be faced with an angry god. They will shiver and quake and kneel before me just as I would have knelt before you. They will give me their loyalty and they will be taught that they are inferior and that they can never aspire to the throne of Asgard.  
  
Do you fear for her, brother? Do not fear for her, for I am merciful. I will spare her life. I will not even harm her, for your sake. I will allow her to live out her short mortal life in peace. But do not search for her. You will not find her. Even if you are standing mere inches from her, you will not see her. I am merciful, but I am also vengeful. She is not worthy to stand by your side, and so she never will.  
  
You could have avoided this so easily, brother. All I wanted was your love, your support, your respect. All I wanted from you was what you so easily give to everyone else. It is too late for any of that now. You believed me to be a monster; I have become one. Are you not pleased?  
  
The portal is opening. It has begun.


End file.
